Ah, August 19, 2010 a day that taught me a lot about my character. A day I was really looking forward to. The day my brother and his wife both whom I love beyond words were going to have their baby. It was also the day my D&C was scheduled after I miscarried at 12 weeks. My sister in-law was upstairs and I was downstairs in the hospital. We shared the same doctor in the same hospital. I know a lot of you would think that I was bitter or angry or couldn't be happy for them. That wasn't the case at all. It was literally the Ying and Yang of the universe...a birth and a miscarriage. I will call my sister in- law, Abby, and my brother, Justin cause I am here to tell my story not theirs.
Abby and I were very excited that our babies would be six months apart. We had so many things to look forward to. So when I found out on the 17th that I miscarried, one of the things I was worried about was not wanting to make Abby and Justin feel as if they couldn't be happy about their new baby. I didn't want people pitying me or feeling as though they couldn't be happy about the birth of my niece or nephew either. I am sure it was really hard for the people around me as well. It was just an uncomfortably emotional situation.
The day of my D&C, I was getting prepped for surgery. One of the nurses was checking my sugar level when I told her I was insulin resistant which I had to explain to her. I told her I found out because I was doing fertility treatments. I kid you not, as she is poking me to test my blood sugar she asks, "Really fertility, how is that working for you?". Really lady??...I responded with, "Well not so well cause I am here for a D&C." I could hear the other nurse gasping at what her coworker just said. This worried me on many levels, obviously this nurse didn't read my chart before coming to work on me and I thought this might just be my breaking point and I had visions of knocking her off her feet. (disclaimer...I do not condone violence...) I was also chanting this in my own head. Needless to say, that nurse was removed from my case very quickly.
When my doctor came to chat with me before surgery, I asked her how my brother and sister in law were doing. She was still in labor. My doctor was aware of our situation and I was told they were asking about me as well. At this point, my heart was warmed up. Here we were in a terrible situation of loss and birth on the same day in my family and yet we were both looking out for each other. Listen I am in no means trying to make light of this situation. It was hard. It was painfully sad. But the love that I felt from Abby and Justin and that I felt for them was concrete and real. My heart ached from losing my baby, but I still had room to be so happy for Abby and Justin. I didn't want a dark cloud surrounding their day. I didn't want it to turn into the Harry Potter.."thou who we shall not mention" type of situation. I loved them and I knew they loved and were sad for me too.
After the D&C, I was sent home to rest and stay in bed for two days. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. My family was at the hospital waiting for my niece or nephew to be born. I was getting updates via numerous technology devices. But I was sad. I wanted to be in the waiting room with them. I wanted to see my brother run down the hospital hallway and announce, "It's a boy or It's a girl." I was so mad and heart broken that I was missing out on this miracle for them. I was experiencing every emotion.
Abby and Justin had a baby girl whom I love and adore. I thought it may be hard watching her grow always thinking in my head...my baby who was also a girl would be six months behind. At first I did have those "if only" thoughts. They have since subsided. I was mad things weren't easier. I was mad that our kids wouldn't be close in age. I was wondering if I was ever going to have a baby. I felt my internal clock ticking.....
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Catching up with an "old" friend....
So who is this old friend? Well in fertility world my 36 year old reproductive system. So I thought I would take this post to catch you up on the three years prior to being told that a Gestational Carrier would be our best bet to have another baby. After trying for a year on our own, we decided to go to see a fertility doctor. He ran lots of tests on both Johnny and myself. Every blood test you could think of and I also had scans and ultrasounds. Some tests were totally fine...others were painful. After the tests were complete I found out the following:
1. I had a hypo thyroid
2. I was insulin resistant (what the heck is that)
all of which could be controlled with medicine and shouldn't be a problem. We were told that we should do clomid and insemination. Okay.. Sounds easy enough. No shots. Great!! I thought we would be up and running (or throwing up) in no time.
So after round three of clomid, I got the call I was waiting for!! You're VERY pregnant. Asking the nurse, what does very pregnant mean? Well my numbers were crazy high. In the thousands. I believe around 30 you are pregnant. So I quickly was trying to do the math. I had visions of multiple bouncy chairs in my living room. I thought okay..here we go. They wanted me to come in to do more blood work in 3 days. So when my numbers didn't rise the way they wanted, I got another call. This time from a nurse, who I thought at the time was mean. She said, "We need you to come in for an ultrasound. I just want to worn you that you may have an issue here". I was thinking what? An issue, my numbers were so high obviously I was pregnant it was just a question of how many.
I went for the ultrasound...there was NOTHING! If that nurse hadn't had planted that seed of something not being right, I would have really been knocked off my rocker. So now I am pregnant, but we can't see anything. What does that mean? Ectopic pregnancy? I was then asked many questions..Did I have bleeding, was I experiencing cramps? NO to both. So I had a choice get a DNC and if it was in my tube it would be removed or get a shot that will stop the growth of any rapid growing cells. I went home crying trying to figure out what to do cause obviously I didn't want my tube to burst. I chose the shot and went back later that day. I still had many many questions.
After meeting with my doctor, I was told that I actually got pregnant during my second cycle. The medicines I was taking were just enough to keep the pregnancy going. I was told how RARE this is (a statement I would be hearing often through this journey). I was the 3rd person in 30 years that this has happened to at this facility..should I start playing the lottery?
So we ended up doing 7 rounds of insemination. Finally I was pregnant. It was really hard for me to admit it to myself. I only told my closest friends and some family. It was August 17th. My son's 5th birthday. I had my 12 week ultrasound scheduled. I bought the "You are going to be a big brother" books to give to my son that night after the ultrasound. We went for the ultrasound. As soon as the picture came up, I knew something was wrong. There was no heartbeat. We were devastated. They wanted to do the DNC that day. I couldn't. I was my son's birthday. We were having family over. I wasn't going to not be there for his birthday. I was able to push it aside and be present for my son's birthday. Which lead to another internal struggle. The day I had my DNC my sister in law was giving birth to my adorable niece by the same doctor in the same hospital. This taught me a lot about myself and deserves its own post. More to come....
1. I had a hypo thyroid
2. I was insulin resistant (what the heck is that)
all of which could be controlled with medicine and shouldn't be a problem. We were told that we should do clomid and insemination. Okay.. Sounds easy enough. No shots. Great!! I thought we would be up and running (or throwing up) in no time.
So after round three of clomid, I got the call I was waiting for!! You're VERY pregnant. Asking the nurse, what does very pregnant mean? Well my numbers were crazy high. In the thousands. I believe around 30 you are pregnant. So I quickly was trying to do the math. I had visions of multiple bouncy chairs in my living room. I thought okay..here we go. They wanted me to come in to do more blood work in 3 days. So when my numbers didn't rise the way they wanted, I got another call. This time from a nurse, who I thought at the time was mean. She said, "We need you to come in for an ultrasound. I just want to worn you that you may have an issue here". I was thinking what? An issue, my numbers were so high obviously I was pregnant it was just a question of how many.
I went for the ultrasound...there was NOTHING! If that nurse hadn't had planted that seed of something not being right, I would have really been knocked off my rocker. So now I am pregnant, but we can't see anything. What does that mean? Ectopic pregnancy? I was then asked many questions..Did I have bleeding, was I experiencing cramps? NO to both. So I had a choice get a DNC and if it was in my tube it would be removed or get a shot that will stop the growth of any rapid growing cells. I went home crying trying to figure out what to do cause obviously I didn't want my tube to burst. I chose the shot and went back later that day. I still had many many questions.
After meeting with my doctor, I was told that I actually got pregnant during my second cycle. The medicines I was taking were just enough to keep the pregnancy going. I was told how RARE this is (a statement I would be hearing often through this journey). I was the 3rd person in 30 years that this has happened to at this facility..should I start playing the lottery?
So we ended up doing 7 rounds of insemination. Finally I was pregnant. It was really hard for me to admit it to myself. I only told my closest friends and some family. It was August 17th. My son's 5th birthday. I had my 12 week ultrasound scheduled. I bought the "You are going to be a big brother" books to give to my son that night after the ultrasound. We went for the ultrasound. As soon as the picture came up, I knew something was wrong. There was no heartbeat. We were devastated. They wanted to do the DNC that day. I couldn't. I was my son's birthday. We were having family over. I wasn't going to not be there for his birthday. I was able to push it aside and be present for my son's birthday. Which lead to another internal struggle. The day I had my DNC my sister in law was giving birth to my adorable niece by the same doctor in the same hospital. This taught me a lot about myself and deserves its own post. More to come....
Sunday, December 25, 2011
A womb with a DIFFERENT View begins...
So the journey of motherhood...it has been quite a different road than I ever expected it to be. I was always the pied piper of children from my early childhood. I babysat as soon as I was of age. I went to college knowing unlike most freshman that I was going to be a teacher. I knew I wanted to get married and have kids. I was married for three years when a blessing occurred just after 3 months of trying...I was pregnant!!! My pregnancy with Michael was difficult. I was throwing up for six months. I was on bed rest for two months. But finally on August 17th 2005 Michael was born via C-section at 8 pounds 13 ounces. I have LOVED every moment of being Michael's mom. So in my well planned out mind, I knew I wanted to have my kids three years apart. So when trying again, I didn't think much of it.....fast forward six years sitting in a fertility clinic being told after 2 1/2 years of working with them, "I think it is time you consider using a Gestational Carrier." WHAT??? And so the journey begins....
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