Ah, August 19, 2010 a day that taught me a lot about my character. A day I was really looking forward to. The day my brother and his wife both whom I love beyond words were going to have their baby. It was also the day my D&C was scheduled after I miscarried at 12 weeks. My sister in-law was upstairs and I was downstairs in the hospital. We shared the same doctor in the same hospital. I know a lot of you would think that I was bitter or angry or couldn't be happy for them. That wasn't the case at all. It was literally the Ying and Yang of the universe...a birth and a miscarriage. I will call my sister in- law, Abby, and my brother, Justin cause I am here to tell my story not theirs.
Abby and I were very excited that our babies would be six months apart. We had so many things to look forward to. So when I found out on the 17th that I miscarried, one of the things I was worried about was not wanting to make Abby and Justin feel as if they couldn't be happy about their new baby. I didn't want people pitying me or feeling as though they couldn't be happy about the birth of my niece or nephew either. I am sure it was really hard for the people around me as well. It was just an uncomfortably emotional situation.
The day of my D&C, I was getting prepped for surgery. One of the nurses was checking my sugar level when I told her I was insulin resistant which I had to explain to her. I told her I found out because I was doing fertility treatments. I kid you not, as she is poking me to test my blood sugar she asks, "Really fertility, how is that working for you?". Really lady??...I responded with, "Well not so well cause I am here for a D&C." I could hear the other nurse gasping at what her coworker just said. This worried me on many levels, obviously this nurse didn't read my chart before coming to work on me and I thought this might just be my breaking point and I had visions of knocking her off her feet. (disclaimer...I do not condone violence...) I was also chanting this in my own head. Needless to say, that nurse was removed from my case very quickly.
When my doctor came to chat with me before surgery, I asked her how my brother and sister in law were doing. She was still in labor. My doctor was aware of our situation and I was told they were asking about me as well. At this point, my heart was warmed up. Here we were in a terrible situation of loss and birth on the same day in my family and yet we were both looking out for each other. Listen I am in no means trying to make light of this situation. It was hard. It was painfully sad. But the love that I felt from Abby and Justin and that I felt for them was concrete and real. My heart ached from losing my baby, but I still had room to be so happy for Abby and Justin. I didn't want a dark cloud surrounding their day. I didn't want it to turn into the Harry Potter.."thou who we shall not mention" type of situation. I loved them and I knew they loved and were sad for me too.
After the D&C, I was sent home to rest and stay in bed for two days. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. My family was at the hospital waiting for my niece or nephew to be born. I was getting updates via numerous technology devices. But I was sad. I wanted to be in the waiting room with them. I wanted to see my brother run down the hospital hallway and announce, "It's a boy or It's a girl." I was so mad and heart broken that I was missing out on this miracle for them. I was experiencing every emotion.
Abby and Justin had a baby girl whom I love and adore. I thought it may be hard watching her grow always thinking in my head...my baby who was also a girl would be six months behind. At first I did have those "if only" thoughts. They have since subsided. I was mad things weren't easier. I was mad that our kids wouldn't be close in age. I was wondering if I was ever going to have a baby. I felt my internal clock ticking.....
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